SURF'NTHE WEB SIGNS OF THE  TIMES You try to enter your password on the microwave. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. Biggest system crash loss ? you lost all of your best jokes. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.   ***************************** COMPUTER JOKES A computer store customer needed help setting up a new program, so a salesman suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." *~*~*~* An elderly lady went into a Respite home for 2 weeks whilst her family was away. Daughter, on returning, was surprised by the size of the phone account until Mum explained "I had to come home each day to check my email". *~*~*~* Wife to Hubby - "You're always talking about upgrading to something 'newer' and 'zippier' " I wonder - "Do you mean me or the computer?" *~*~*~* To the Computer Helpline - "I can't turn the computer on, I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal but nothing happened" P.S. The "pedal" was the mouse. ***************************** THE COMPUTER USER'S REBOOT POEM Don't you wish when life is bad and things just don't compute, That all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot? Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweet . If we had those special keys Ctrl+Alt+Delete, Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she's just mute, Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot. You'd like to have another job but you fear living in the street, You solve it all and start a new - Ctrl+Alt+Delete.  ***************************** HOW TO GET MORE TIME ON YOUR COMPUTER Put broom, duster, vacuum cleaner, polish etc. around the house, tie a scarf over your hair, sit at your computer until you hear his nibs arriving. Now hit panic mode ~ spray a bit of polish around, turn the vac on and meet him at the door all flushed and flustered. Works every time ~ he might even give you a hand to finish the chores!!   ***************************** THEN AND NOW Burn was what a fire did, not making a C.D. A window was something you hated to clean A ram was the cousin of a goat A program was a T.V. show A keyboard was a piano Memory was something you lost with age Compress was something you did to the garbage A web was a spider's home A mouse pad was where a mouse lived A virus was the flu Log on was putting another log on the fire Monitor was to keep an eye on things Screen is what you shut to keep the flies out Byte is what you get from an insect Online is where you hang out the washing Crash is what you do if you drink & drive I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead ***************************** COMPUTER FUN "Technically, Windows is an 'operating system,' which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating." - Dave Barry With a friend like Terry who needs enemies He sent this by email It is supposed to me! (I think) :-) ***************************** Dr. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS When a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!  ***************************** LINDY AND HER COMPUTER I always wear my war helmet and I am armed with determination to conquer this little square piece of cyber space which looks so innocent and mellow when it is turned off and it's screen stares back at me with ... a blank look!  ***************************** A visit from you would make our day! *****************************  Home   To Hands Across the World Email Created by Laurie Seymour ... May 2001 SmileyApproved Page ***************************** My Apologies I have collected most of the material above over a period of time, if you gave birth to any please let me know and I will place an acknowledgement. *****************************