Most people work hard at improving their intelligence. They read, they study, talk to people, learn how to do practical tasks, watch educational film and video, tackle difficult problems, try out new ideas and learn from watching others. These strategies generally work. People develop common sense, live interesting lives, develop a wide range of skills, become experts in all sorts of areas including jobs and hobbies, become capable parents, good communicators, relate well to others and develop a broad general knowledge about the world. And most people continually try to improve, to develop their skills and relationships and make their lives go better.
If we could straight forwardly think our way to high intelligence and the ability to use it practically we would all have done so long ago. Unfortunately it is not that simple. As the discussion about emotional hijacking reveals our intelligence is not simply under rational control. We have emotions. We can't just think our way into intelligence. In the most part our emotional systems work very well giving us rapid insights into what to do. It feels good to play golf on Saturdays; we do it and all turns out well. Our emotions are very interconnected with our thinking and positive emotions support intelligent thinking and effective actions. Sometimes it doesn't work so well. We enjoy playing golf on Saturdays, we miss our child's birthday party and things don't go so well in the family.
The short cut connection between the thalamus and the emotional centres of the brain allow emotional responses to be generated very quickly. This can be life saving. It also means that the emotional response can precede the cognitive processing in other parts of the brain that generates a rational response. We feel something before we know what is going on. The emotional response is unconscious - perhaps better described as pre-conscious. In some, and only some, situations the emotional response then hijacks intelligence. We find ourselves acting on an emotional basis and we aren't quite sure why.
When this system saves our lives we are unlikely to complain. If it threatens our intelligence, if we find ourselves acting foolishly and later wish we had opted for another alternative, or if we find it hard to understand why we did the strange things that we did, then we wish things could change. We need to develop our emotional intelligence where we have both our emotions and our intelligent thinking working harmoniously together.
People routinely try to develop emotional intelligence by rational means. Managers read books about communicating, teachers watch videos about interrupting disruptive behaviour, workers are given seminars on improving safety, self help books sell in great numbers, new year resolutions are made, and remade, year after year. There is no reason why any of these approaches can't work, sometimes they do, but many times they don't simply because our brains are not purely under rational control. We can't just think our way into emotional intelligence.
To other people, who are emotionally disengaged from our issues, the actual situation may seem ridiculously simple. As Macmurray comments, it is not rational to be scared of a mouse so we routinely say to someone, shrieking with fear as they jump on a chair, 'there is nothing to be afraid of.' (R&E p11) It may not be emotionally intelligent to be scared of a mouse but it is very real to the person experiencing it. And telling them there is nothing to be scared of may do little to help. Being scared is an emotional response, intelligence has been bypassed so explaining the reality of the situation isn't going to help. Just as we can't think our way into emotional intelligence so too the intelligence of others may be of little use as well, especially if what they do is to give us their rational version of the situation. When we are hijacked we simply can't hear properly their well-meaning advice. As I shall outline latter there are ways in which the intelligence of others can help us develop our own emotional intelligence, but advice that there is nothing to fear, or be sad about, or that there is no reason to be angry simply doesn't help.
A further complication comes from the rough and ready nature of our emotional systems. They have evolved so they respond quickly but they are not highly accurate. Some things will easily remind us of other, emotional matters. The shadow on the wall looks like a spider and we scream and jump out of the way. But closer inspection shows it was only a shadow. We jump at shadows. No harm done perhaps, unless we were driving a car at the time and applied the brakes very suddenly causing harm to others or ourselves. In such cases it would be better if we could examine the shadow carefully before deciding if it was a spider, if so if it was a harmful spider and if there was any need to do something quickly. Sounds sensible but sometimes our emotions are hijacked and the intelligent thinking doesn't happen.
In addition we have many emotional memories from the past both good and bad. An emotional response can activate these emotional memories. We drive past the beach and suddenly the memories of a hot summer day lazing on the sand with friends come rushing back. That can be very pleasant. But if our emotional memories are accompanied by the hijacking of our intelligence things get difficult. We are not thinking clearly so we do not know if the feelings are from the present or the past or some combination. We walk into a room and feel danger. Maybe we have sensed a whiff of smoke, there is real and present danger and we should get out quickly. Maybe the smell has activated emotions connected with that time when our home was threatened by a bushfire. It might not be in any way connected to present events - except perhaps someone smoking nearby - but past memories have been activated and are signalling danger. If we are not thinking clearly we simply don't know if the emotions are past or present and we then don't know what is the sensible thing to do.
This is a very real problem. On the one hand emotional responses are very useful and help us make quick and effective decisions. We can't live without them. On the other hand we don't know if the emotion is actually valid for the current situation. It could be a response to something from the past with little relevance to the present. It might be way off the mark, it may be just an echo from times past - the system is inaccurate and unreliable. We simply don't know and worse still we may well be unaware that we don't know. Our feelings are important but they can be very deceptive.
Emotional memories accumulate and lead to downward emotional spirals
Like all memories emotional memories are stored through interconnections of neurones in the brain. These memories depend on the amount of interconnection and the number of different pathways involved. Highly emotional events are recalled most readily. People report detailed memories of traumatic events complete with their full emotional content. So the most powerful emotional experiences are easily activated and most likely to lead to hijacking. Several years after a difficult and emotionally laden separation from a partner the mention of the ex-partner's name or the smell of their perfume, can still trigger strong feelings. The result is a hijacking. The person finds themselves thinking, yet again, about the break-up and not concentrating fully on the events around them.
Repeated events can also store more powerfully and be more easily activated. If the same neural pathways are repeatedly triggered in different situations, accompanied by additional content each time, the emotional memories will build in the brain and become more easily activated. Someone who is bullied at school, and bullied again and again will find themselves reliving the experience many, many times. Even if the bullying events in themselves are not particularly traumatic the fact that they are repeated often will make them more easily activated. Individuals become prone to hijacking by small emotional events because they have experienced them repeatedly. It may not be a big deal in their lives but every time their thinking is hijacked and they find themselves not focused on present events is a loss of emotional intelligence. It all adds up.
There can be a Catch 22 situation here. An emotional hijacking is a signal that something important is going on. If the hijacking results from a past event it indicates unresolved emotional difficulties that need to be dealt with. But the repeated activation of these memories may be adding to the problem. Each time they are activated and given attention at a different time and place their storage in the brain is strengthened and this then makes them more likely to be reactivated in future.
This is a downward spiral; emotional difficulty, try to move on, hijacking, feel bad, attempted resolution by thinking about the difficulty or attempt to forget about it, more easily hijacked, feel even worse and so on. A spiral like this where someone feels sad, then starts to feel sad about feeling sad can readily lead to depression.
Steve Biddulph in his public talks describes someone preparing to make a speech. Public speaking can be one of the scariest things imaginable for many people, far worse than dealing with a big spider in the house. As they approach the time for the speech the person starts to think about what they are going to say. It feels scary so they put their thoughts aside. A little later they suddenly find they are thinking about the speech once more. It feels even scarier so they put it aside yet again. It can happen again and again. The speaker never allows themself to deal properly with their feelings - after all they are scary so who would want to deal with that? As a result the feelings become more and more powerful as they are repeatedly brought to consciousness, not dealt with then added to memory again. Each time emotional hijacking becomes easier and intelligent thinking becomes harder. Something just a little scary can become a major problem. It's no surprise that plenty of people report they can never give a speech in public!
As Biddulph indicates the problem is that the emotion is not dealt with. He suggests that speakers should really let themself feel scared. They need to actually deal with the emotion not try and suppress it. Unfortunately trying to deal with scary feelings on your own is not easy. The pull to put them aside can be very strong. If that happens repeatedly the stored emotional memory becomes stronger so the attempt to deal with the emotion can actually lead to more emotional hijacking in the future.
Downward emotional spirals are not unusual. They can be quite debilitating and very difficult to break. Fortunately there are also upward spirals that work in the same way. We can feel happy about feeling happy. This is one of the keys to emotional intelligence - to recognise, activate and reinforce positive emotional spirals. Emotionally intelligent people develop processes that allow them to move from downward spirals to upwards ones. The shift can be life changing.
The obvious way to avoid downward spirals is to seek the support of other people who can remain detached while they support us to look at difficult emotion laden issues and, at the same time, ensure we are in a positive process. Unfortunately such people are in short supply because emotions are catching, as we shall see in another section.
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